5 Reasons I Smile

The ultimate goal of this blog is to spread awareness and show how beautiful life can be. We have four amazing daughters. Our youngest was born with Down syndrome. If just one person stops here and leaves with a different, better perspective about Down syndrome, then it is worth it. Regardless, I have 5 Reasons to Smile!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Beginning

This blog is still so new to me. I am here, writing, sharing, because of my(our) youngest daughter. I see it as a way for me to advocate; by sharing our ordinary, beautiful life....I am advocating. It is also a way for me to completely heal and maybe reach a mom that is at the very beginning of this journey. I went through a lot (for lack of a better word) emotionally the first year after Kamryn was born and I want to write about it so badly. I have in pieces but not from beginning to end.

The beginning for me was the day after Kamryn was born. I was alone in the hospital. Diondray had gone home to get the girls. They were all coming back to pick me and their new sister up. I was so excited to see them! (I had only been in the hospital for one night, but I had missed them). Kamryn was in the nursery having the routine discharge check up done. My Doctor had already come in and cleared me to go home. I was alone. The Pediatrician entered my room. I was just getting out of bed to take a shower, get dressed and pack up. I wasn't looking directly at him, I was literally getting out of bed when he walked in, he started off

"Kamryn looks healthy."

I thought to myself, I know and I am so ready to go home and start my life as a family of 6.


I looked up at him, I sensed a hesitation in his voice and then I saw his eyes. They looked so sad and distant. As if he felt sorry for what was coming next, but wanted to keep his distance.

"She has some characteristic of Down syndrome."

That moment...was life changing. Hot tears began to flood my checks. I was confused and scared. I asked him to repeat himself. He did. The whole room started to spin. In the midst of my sobbing I asked him (all at once) "What are you talking about? What characteristics? Where is she?"

Then he went over all the imperfections he physically saw in her. All of them. All those characteristics. I couldn't grasp what he was saying. I had held her in my arms most of the night, she was perfect, she looked like her sisters. I didn't see ANY of those characteristics he was describing. I thought for sure he was wrong and crazy. I remember running, running and screaming to the nursery. To see Kamryn, to hold her, to show him how wrong he was......

I believe how you receive the diagnosis and your personal life experiences leading up to that moment (or any moment that is life changing) has a significant impact on how you cope and deal with the situation.

On that day the joy in my heart was gone. It was taken.

It's back now. And she is perfect.

That was my beginning.


  1. It's a hard beginning - and you and I share some real similarities in our beginning. I'm so glad the joy in your heart is back now... and I'm so glad you are sharing this with everyone so that some new mother or father will read this and realize that others have been there, too. And that a beautiful - and perfect - life awaits them on the other side of their grief.

  2. Did you ever think you could feel such grief & with a little bit of time feel the exact opposite feelings? Beautiful isn't it? Someday (with our help because we are rock star moms) women are going to have babies born with DS and their initial reaction is going to be the joy that we feel now...without the grief! That's my hope anyway! Have a great rest of the week!

  3. My beginning story is the exact same one you had. I'll never forget a card I received from a good friend's mom, in it she said "You and Tyler really ARE the luckiest couple in the world!" I wondered if she knew. Now, I realize she knew more than I could conceptualize at that point. Now I know. We really are the luckiest most blessed couple in the world to have Mylie.

  4. What a beautiful post....I am sure she is perfect.

  5. Thank you for sharing. The beginnings of ALL of our stories are so hard to reflect back on. My heart hurts to even think about any of my "sisters" being as sad as I know *I* was. But you know what? Look at us NOW! We are better people because of those sad days. We are stronger than ever and we all love our perfect babies more than we every thought we could! <3

  6. kamryn IS perfect and isn't it awesome to feel so completely opposite of the day you "found out"???!!! fear of the unknown is the worst part of it all, and once you aren't afraid it makes everything SO MUCH BETTER :)
    great post!

  7. Your post brings back so many memories and emotions.

    Thank you for sharing. One day, another mom will read this and be able to put in the back of her mind that it WILL be ok. Maybe not right away, but it's coming.

    We both got there, right? ;-)

  8. So glad you found your joy. Kamryn is gorgeous and perfect. I know your posts will help another mom out there with a rough start. So glad you're able to share. :-)