The Beginning

This blog is still so new to me. I am here, writing, sharing, because of my(our) youngest daughter. I see it as a way for me to advocate; by sharing our ordinary, beautiful life....I am advocating. It is also a way for me to completely heal and maybe reach a mom that is at the very beginning of this journey. I went through a lot (for lack of a better word) emotionally the first year after Kamryn was born and I want to write about it so badly. I have in pieces but not from beginning to end.

The beginning for me was the day after Kamryn was born. I was alone in the hospital. Diondray had gone home to get the girls. They were all coming back to pick me and their new sister up. I was so excited to see them! (I had only been in the hospital for one night, but I had missed them). Kamryn was in the nursery having the routine discharge check up done. My Doctor had already come in and cleared me to go home. I was alone. The Pediatrician entered my room. I was just getting out of bed to take a shower, get dressed and pack up. I wasn't looking directly at him, I was literally getting out of bed when he walked in, he started off

"Kamryn looks healthy."

I thought to myself, I know and I am so ready to go home and start my life as a family of 6.

"However,"

I looked up at him, I sensed a hesitation in his voice and then I saw his eyes. They looked so sad and distant. As if he felt sorry for what was coming next, but wanted to keep his distance.

"She has some characteristic of Down syndrome."

That moment...was life changing. Hot tears began to flood my checks. I was confused and scared. I asked him to repeat himself. He did. The whole room started to spin. In the midst of my sobbing I asked him (all at once) "What are you talking about? What characteristics? Where is she?"


Then he went over all the imperfections he physically saw in her. All of them. All those characteristics. I couldn't grasp what he was saying. I had held her in my arms most of the night, she was perfect, she looked like her sisters. I didn't see ANY of those characteristics he was describing. I thought for sure he was wrong and crazy. I remember running, running and screaming to the nursery. To see Kamryn, to hold her, to show him how wrong he was......

I believe how you receive the diagnosis and your personal life experiences leading up to that moment (or any moment that is life changing) has a significant impact on how you cope and deal with the situation.

On that day the joy in my heart was gone. It was taken.

It's back now. And she is perfect.

That was my beginning.